Swim lessons. A phrase which conjures up a lot of memories. A lot of pain. A lot of chlorine.
I’ll never forget those summers at the Blackridge pool learning to swim. Given my maiden name of “Fish,” there was a lot riding on my ability to learn how to swim and swim well. So swim lessons were in order. And I had many lessons.
A little background about the Blackridge pool…
It is not heated. As in “this is a freezing cold pool” in June and half of July.
At 9:00 a.m. the water was even colder and that was when my swim lessons took place. I walked down to the pool with my towel around my neck, my goggles on my forehead and confidence that was shattered every day when I walked back home, through the scary woods and up the big Williamsburg Place hill to my house. Why was confidence shattered? Because I couldn’t “get” the breathing under my arm on the side thing. And everyone else did.
So the lessons continued. The tears continued. And then swim team sign up began. The question was not “if” I was going to swim on the swim team it was when. It wasn’t my choice. Mom signed me up and off I went to practice every morning, despite the fact that I still didn’t “get” that breathing under the arm on the side thing.
So I doggie paddled my way through practice after practice that first summer on the swim team. I embraced the icy cold waters of the freezing cold Blackridge pool each morning and pretended I was the next doggie paddler in the Olympics. Until the first race. I think I was 6 years old. I remember vividly standing on the wooden starter block (the ones my dad made in our garage), scared to death. Diving was no problem, although I still hadn’t figured out how to dive with my goggles on. That was what the cool kids did–dove with goggles on.
But there I was in my sunburst red and white Blackridge swim team suit, shaking like a leaf on the starter block. I remember seeing my friends, my family, my fellow teammates. I remember thinking to myself….can I make it? Can get all the way down THERE without having to breathe? That was the only way I was going to save face afterall…swim the 25 yards without taking a breath. For if I took a breath the whole world would know that I was still a doggie paddler. I still couldn’t swim like everyone else. And that was not going to happen.
So the gun went off, I dove and I swam. Without breathing. The whole 25 yards. And I won. I won every race that summer. I never took a breath. I was too stubborn to learn how to swim the right way so I figured out how to win “my way.”
That strategy didn’t last too long. Once I won all my races and was deemed a “super speedy 8 and under,” I was moved up to swimming 2 laps. I couldn’t do that without breathing. I had to learn. I had to suck it up, take the swim lessons and get it right. If I was going to be a swimmer, which I fully intended to be, I had to conform and breathe like all the other swimmers in the freezing cold water. I had to let go of my pride and show the world that I was a doggie paddling “super speedy 8 and under” that was determined to learn to breathe.
I think about those moments when I first started swimming every time I am at the pool with my boys and when I take them to swim lessons. I see my stubbornness in both of my boys during swim lessons. But, like my mother, I sit and I watch. I wait for the moments when great strides are made and a face goes in the water and the arms move one at a time reaching out, pulling back. And the legs start to kick in tune with the arms.
Swim lessons are life lessons. Learning how to put it all together in life and in the pool takes practice. Some days, like today, I think I still need some swim lessons.
How about you?
Sometimes God calms the storm. At other times, he calms the sailor. And sometimes he makes us swim. ~Author Unknown
What goes around comes around, just like a flip turn. ~Author Unknown
If I were dropped out of a plane into the ocean and told the nearest land was a thousand miles away, I’d still swim. And I’d despise the one who gave up. ~Abraham Maslow
The water is your friend. You don’t have to fight with water, just share the same spirit as the water, and it will help you move. ~Aleksandr Popov
It’s a good idea to begin at the bottom in everything except in learning to swim. ~Author Unknown
Be change
Be leader
Be catalyst
Be goal
Be defender
Be questioner
Be decision
Be reason
Be doer
Be watcher
Be confidence
Be determination
Be empathy, not apathy
Be light, not dark
Be friend, not foe
Be voice
Be listener
Be daughter
Be granddaughter
Be sister
Be niece
Be cousin
Be family
It is late at night, I cannot sleep. This past month has been a crazy time for me. Circumstances have not been conducive to sleep, to much of anything positive.
So I started thinking about circumstances. I’ve had a rough month. A rough year in many ways. And I just got further and further from going back to sleep the more I thought about those circumstances and the way handle them.
70% of our life is determined by circumstances beyond our control.
Did you know that? I didn’t either. When I couldn’t sleep tonight I pulled out the iPhone and started listening to the sermon series at my church which is all about breaking the chains that bind us to our circumstances. And this very informative yet very alarming fact was presented to me at 3:00 a.m.
70%. That’s a big number. A really big number. No wonder I feel like I am treading water and going down fast.
Could sleep be one of those circumstances beyond my control? Doubtful. Perhaps it is the circumstances in my life and the way I react to those circumstances that is keeping the Land of Nod out of reach.
I’m quick to anger, slow to forgive, eager to please, fast to self blame, super speedy to put pen to paper or mouse to keyboard and express my anger, and quite often too stubborn to admit defeat or failure. Is this my personality or my reaction to the circumstances which bring about these reactions?
I think it is a little bit of both.
70% is a lot of stuff to not control. If 70% of my life circumstances are beyond my control, finding the 30% I can control seems like the answer. But it’s not. I learned that tonight, or rather this morning.
I’ve been carrying some pretty heavy, rusty chains around. It’s starting to hurt. It’s starting to weigh me down. Those chains are tied to the 70% of “me” and hurt because I am letting that 70% override the 30% that I can control.
Kind of like focusing on the negative. Kind of like a wrecked car that gets taken to the insurance adjuster for an estimate. The adjuster looks at the car (ME) and says, “well 70% is beyond repair so let’s considered this baby totaled.”
Now I’m the wrecked car in the junkyard waiting for the wrecking ball or smashing machine.
But I don’t have to be. That 70% may be a set of circumstances that I cannot control but you know what? I can starting changing the patterns of behavior, the patterns of thinking related to those circumstances. How I react to my circumstances, that 70% considered wrecked beyond repair, is a choice. I can choose to accept that hey, I’ve got issues and I can deal with them or let them deal with me, let those circumstances become like chains and shackles that go with me everywhere I go.
But I don’t think that’s the answer.
I don’t have to be a wrecked car, a woman considered to be so damaged she’s beyond repair, beyond hope. Not only do I have 30% of me walking around that is like a shiny new car (well, sort of…I have some wrinkles and I can’t do handstands or cart wheels anymore), I have 70% of me that is salvageable. 70% of me that isn’t an easy fix, but isn’t a death sentence either.
Like the cars in a junkyard, I have parts that still function and work despite the circumstances. I have hub caps, tires, fenders, parts under the hood that still work despite being in a totaled car (remember, that car is me).
The sermon that I listened to at 3:00 am after Henry woke me up for chocolate milk had me take a look at Paul. Paul wrote books of the bible while imprisoned and chained. Not only was he shackled with chains, he was chained to a guard every minute of every day. He was never alone while imprisoned. And yet he wrote some of the most beautiful scripture and he found joy in his circumstances. He found God’s will for him within the circumstances of prison, chains and shackles.
Joy in my circumstances? God’s will in that car that is 70% wrecked? Really? I need to that?
Yes, I do.
I’m not ready for the wrecking ball or the smashing machine…
If you want to hear the sermon series that inspired this post, go here and click on the sermons and either view them as video or listen:
Don’t ask what the world needs.
Ask what makes you come most alive, because what the world needs is people who have come alive.
~Howard Thurman
My Journey Of Hope series got put on the back burner due to the server crashing at Divine Digital, an issue we’ve been overwhelmed with for two weeks now. We are setting up a new home and getting the servers and products moved over so it may be still a little bit more time before that transition is complete. Meanwhile….I will blog!
I saw this quote in my email box this morning. As I took a sip of my HUGE cup of coffee and tried to get rid of the sleepy cobwebs in my head, I realized that “hey, I need to come alive!”
Now, don’t get me wrong. I’m alive now. I’m breathing and doing all the living things I’m supposed to be doing. What caught my attention was the statement or question “What makes you most come alive?” Powerful question. Especially early in the morning when my brain is still stumbling around in yesterday.
“What makes you come alive?”
This is what I’m thinking about today….
So I’m going to make a list (because I like lists, even though I”m not a list person when it comes down to it):
My “Come Alive” Things List
1. Hugs and chocolate milk kisses from my boys.
2. A quiet morning with nothing but me, my coffee and my thoughts.
3. Music that makes me tingle inside and warms my heart.
4. Music that makes me dance.
5. Reading books to my boys and sounding out the voice of each character.
6. Creating something from pixel to pixel that ends up beautiful.
7. Photographing my world and everything and everyone in it.
8. Swimming laps in a pool with nothing to do but process my thoughts.
9. Good books that keep me awake all night just to finish and leave me sad that there is “no more book.”
10. Meeting new people and learning the journeys they’ve traveled to get to where they are today.
11. Old friends met in unexpected places.
12. Conversations that appear out of no where with strangers I know I was destined to meet.
13. Someone to hold my hand—I don’t get enough of that.
14. Taking a walk on the beach at low tide while in Cape Cod….when it seems as if you can walk to the edge of the world.
15. Finding peace and quiet in the midst of chaos.
16. Faure’s Requiem….gets me every time
17. Being amongst creative people, not necessarily artists, just people with creative minds.
18. Watching the Pink Panther and Tom & Jerry with my boys….
19. Finding someone IN someone that I never knew existed…
20. Pink Bubble Gum ice cream from Baskin Robbins.
This is just 20 things that make me come alive at this moment. I’m sure if I made this list every day it would be totally different. But the sun is up, one child is up and my coffee is almost gone. Time to meet the world and see what comes alive today in my life.
Weeds are flowers too,
once you get to know them.
~A. A. Milne
Anyone who knows me knows that I was not blessed with a green thumb. I am not a gardner and I’m not the owner of beautiful plants inside and outside my house. I don’t like bugs. I don’t like snakes. I don’t like dirt under my fingernails. I don’t like gardening.
But even more, I don’t like weeds…
Weeds get in the way of a lot of things. Not that I have beautiful gardens or container gardens. But I cut the grass. And when I cut the grass I hate seeing all the weeds growing in my yard. Perhaps if I took the time to learn about weed control I wouldn’t face the wild weeds that live in my grass. Considering my husband is a former Golf Course Superintendent, learning about weed control shouldn’t be that hard!
In a way, my life is kind of like that…lots of weeds growing wild that I need to learn how to manage.
I need to start weeding.
In thinking about how I “Hold Onto Purpose Everyday” I can’t help but think about how my life is like the grass in my yard. It is green and it grows. Sometimes I let it grow too long and cutting it is even more of a chore than it would have been had I taken care of it. From a distance you’d never know there were as many weeds hovering, waiting to grow and fester, in my yard. But up close, like when I cut the grass, I see the weeds. Like the saying, “You can’t see the forest for the trees,” perhaps you can’t see the grass for the weeds.
Perhaps all the weeds of my life, spiritually and physically, are preventing me from my purpose.
So I’m gonna get weeding. Gonna get dirty. Gonna get rid of the weeds taking over my life, getting in the way of my purpose.
The scary thing is that I know I’m gonna meet a lot of snakes in the process of weeding. I hate snakes. Ever since I saw “Raiders of the Lost Ark” as a kid and witnessed that scene where Harrison Ford is lowered into a pit of snakes, well let’s just say I have developed a strong fear of snakes. I have drilled it into my boys brains that if they see a snake they are to SCREAM, RUN & NEVER PICK IT UP AND PUT IT IN YOUR POCKET. I have a nephew that is known for having creatures in his pockets. A little garden snake is still a snake. I have no desire to meet one when I go to do laundry.
In the bible, God had the beautiful Garden of Eden. He had Adam and Eve. He had a snake (that’s the bad guy). I bet there weren’t any weeds in that garden until Adam and Eve ate the forbidden fruit. Perhaps weeds are another way of looking at sin, at what happens when we don’t trust in God and go our own way, doing all the wrong things.
Could it be that sin prevents the yard of our lives from being green and beautiful?
I think so. Gotta start weeding…
How about you? Do you need to start weeding, too?
Let’s get dirty together!
Today is Day 7 of “Journey of Hope,” the Download a Day Free Kit at Divine Digital. This is such a great kit and I am excited to share these freeebies with you today:
This freebie will be available in this thread at Divine Digital today only:
And here is my blog freebie for today–personal use only, please don’t share the link–send friends here to download, okay? And hey, leave a comment! I love to read what you think!
Crabgrass can grow on bowling balls in airless rooms, and there is no known way to kill it that does not involve nuclear weapons. ~Dave Barry
I always think of my sins when I weed. They grow apace in the same way and are harder still to get rid of. ~Helena Rutherfurd Ely
They know, they just know where to grow, how to dupe you, and how to camouflage themselves among the perfectly respectable plants, they just know, and therefore, I’ve concluded weeds must have brains. ~Dianne Benson, Dirt, 1994
A man’s children and his garden both reflect the amount of weeding done during the growing season. ~Author Unknown
You must weed your mind as you would weed your garden. ~Astrid Alauda
Today is my second post in the “Journey of Hope” series I am doing. This morning I woke up thinking about my purpose vs my usefulness…
I’ve come to learn there is a difference…
When a man does not know what harbor he is making for, no wind is the right wind. ~Seneca
Throughout my life I have worn many hats, played many roles. Being a mother is the most important and fulfilling role I have ever played. The hat that goes with the mommy costume isn’t always so glamorous though. At this stage of the game my purpose is that of being a mommy to Sam and Henry. This requires me to wear many hats. Or should I say costumes because it isn’t just a hat that defines our roles in life…
Some days I get to wear a baseball hat (Red Sox of course). Why? Because I’m too rushed to shower in the mornings. Honestly. Do you know how hard it is to shower, shave your legs, wash you hair and dry it to get out the door AFTER you’ve gotten two rugrats dressed, fed, watered and hopefully well behaved enough to let you get dressed alone?
Occassionally I get to wear not a hat but a referree striped shirt and whistle. Acutally, I wear that constantly considering how many fights I break up in this household between my boys. I blow that whistle a lot…
Often it is a maid’s white little hair piece (I don’t think I ever take that one off, it gets hidden underneath all the other hats I wear!). I am in a constant state of cleaning up after my children. Getting them to put their toys, shoes, etc. away is a neverending task. And my kitchen floor? Let’s just say I have a very friendly relationship with my mop…
Every day starting at 4:30 it is a hair net, you know the kind they wear in the food service industry? That’s me. Chef Cyndi, connoisseur, purveyor and heater-upper of all things made with chicken nuggets, tater tots, pop tarts, string cheese, meatballs, noodles, macaroni and cheese…you get it.
I always wear an apron. That NEVER comes off. The minute my backside hits any type of comfortable furniture I am required to serve food or beverage. The beverages of choice around here are chocolate milk and apple juice.
Along with that maid uniform, I wear scrubs like a nurse. Or a vet tech. I have a wonderful collection of band aids, gauze wrap, medical tape, antibiotic ointments, etc. I even have a bottle of that horrible reddish brown iodine solution they use in hopsitals. And cans of wound cleanser. This past week I’ve been nursing my dog who has a bum leg. I had to give her two enemas in the back yard. Yes, I wear scrubs a lot and for many reasons…
A daily if not hourly costume I wear is that of a taxi driver. No, my van is not yellow with black and white checks and a light up sign on the roof (although the boys would think that is fantastic). My van is black with dog nose prints and hand prints on all the back windows and cheerios, pretzels, jelly beans and french fries stuck in the seats and on the floor, along with dog hair that never seems to leave the presence of my van even though I vacuum it now and again. And some kid always writes “CLEAN ME” on the back of my van. I guess the outfit for that would be sunglasses, coffee or iced tea in hand or cup holder and t-shirt that says “I Make Sudden Stops for Bad Behavior.”
One of the last roles I get to dress up for around here is landscaper. Yes, I’m a mommy that cuts the grass. Not all year round, but during the summer I get to crank up the mower and go at it quite a bit. This is always a source of amusement in our house because for some reason my boys are of the belief that the mower is “Daddy’s mower” and that “Mommys don’t cut the grass.” Ha. This one does. So my landscaping attire includes shorts, old running shoes, tshirt, baseball hat (Red Sox of course) and iPod. And I must not forget my megaphone that is necessary to keep all boys with bubble mowers away from the real deal…
So what is the point of all these costumes, uniforms I wear to go with my purpose of Mommy? I ask myself that a lot. Afterall, I’m a mom whether I wear these costumes or not. But that’s not the point….My “Mommy Purpose” changes with the needs of my boys, just as the weather changes with the wind. Some days the wind in my world is calm and still. I may not need that referee whistle quite as much. Or no one gets sick and dogs don’t need legs wrapped or a squirt or two or three of saline wound wash, so my scrubs are left in the closet.
And then there are the days when my life is picked up by the irritable winds of reality and I am spinning like Dorothy headed to Oz. You see, Dorothy never went to Oz, she just dreamt about it. I dream about a lot of things when the winds of my life as Mommy give me pause to reflect and consider “What is my purpose?”
Yes, I doubt my purpose on a daily if not hourly basis. Some days I consider going back to work full time. But then another dandelion appears on my laptop keyboard or a rock placed on my night stand is a gentle reminder that no, this is the right wind. This is my purpose.
What is your purpose?
Which way does the wind take you?
Tell me….
And here are today’s freebies for the “Journeys of Hope” kit….
This freebie will be available in this thread by this afternoon:
Today I start a series of blog posts about the “Journey of Hope.” For many of us, hope comes in many different forms. For some it may be faith, for others it may be through the encouragement of others. Whatever the form may be, hope for many is a journey. I am sharing my “Journey of Hope” with two friends for the next 15 days, Royanna and Christina. Our theme for this journey is “Holding On to Purpose Everyday.” We have designed a free kit that is available at Divine Digital to help put our own personal journeys in a digital form to artisitically express how each of us find hope differently, and how each of us hope to find it in our daily lives.
So what does this mean? I will be posting freebies here on my blog that match the “Journey of Hope” kit each day that I am the featured designer at Divine Digital. But every day I am going to share some piece of my hope journey here on my blog. I hope you enjoy this series…I’m looking forward to exploring hope with you!
And today I also have a freebie for the “Summer Surprise Blog Train!” Make sure you pick that one up, too, okay?
Today I’m going to start this Journey of Hope on my blog with a list of things I hope for in the near future…how about you? Are there hopes and dreams you have that often seem unattainable? I know what that feels like. Many days I feel as if the glass is so half empty it is almost dry. But I’ve found that I need to keep my eye on the prize–those things I hope for–every day and not lose sight of that which I hope for most. So…
I hope for sunny days because rainy days are tough with two boys that have bottled up energy equal to that of a volcano waiting to blow. My boys aren’t the crafty type and if they don’t get to run off their energy we all feel the volcano rumbling in my little house. So I hope…
I hope for laughter every day because when I laugh my hold world seems full of hope. Laughter is important in my Journey of Hope. So I hope…
I hope for organization in this artistic, creative world of mine. Not only are my designing files unorganized, my office looks like a tornado blew through and sent my books, software, craft supplies to Kansas and back. So I hope…
I hope for patience because being a Stay at Home Mom is one of the toughest jobs on the planet. Some days I think I want to go as far into space as a rocket will take me to get away from the whining, crying, complaining, fighting little boys I love. If I could just get through one day without them flooding my bathroom when they take a bath, hitting each other, yelling at me and each other…well that would be a dream day! So I hope…
I hope for faith to see me through some tough things in my life right now. Sometimes laughter gets me through things but right now even laughter isn’t working. So I hope…
And here is my blog freebie for today….personal use only and please leave a comment so I know you stopped by! And send friends here to download, don’t share the link okay? Thanks
And I am taking part in the “Summer Surprises Blog Train,” and here is my freebie for that…to see who else is on board this blog train, visit this site so you make sure you get all the pieces of this fun, summer kit:
This has been a very needy month for me. Ever have one of those times in your life when everytime you turn around someone needs you or you need someone? That’s me. Right now. Yesterday. Last week. The week before. You get it…
I don’t like “Needy Cyndi.” Really. She can just go away and not come back. I like the “me” that stands on my own two feet. Right now I’m looking for my feet….
Here’s why I’m needy these days…
1. The weather is nice. Now I know that seems like a very odd reason to be needy, but listen….nice weather means the boys are outside constantly. Outside playing in the dirt. Rolling in the mud. Throwing dirt at each other. Peeing on each other (yes, this has happened this month). Throwing things at each other. Life with boys 16 months apart is never dull. But it can be very trying. And it makes me needy when all this goes on outside my house and neighbors hear me and them dealing with the situations (i.e. mommy is mad, mommy is yelling, boys are constantly in tantrum mode). Understand? Needy me.
2. School is almost over for the year. What little time I do have to myself in the mornings while they are in school will evaporate. Poof! Gone! Mommyhood 24/7. I’m trying to get too much done in what little “me time” I have left. Needy me.
3. I enrolled Sam in kindergarten and felt my heart explode. Seeing his new school for next year, seeing his face light up with excitement (when he saw the playground and the toys in the libary, not the classrooms), all this created a feeling of neediness—me needing him to stay my little one a little bit longer. Needy me.
4. I’ve had two sick dogs this month. Ernie, my black lag (a girl Ernie, named after Ernie Els) had some issues earlier this month and now Gyro, my german shepherd has cancer in her foot. These dogs are like children to me. I need them. I need my fierce (not really but I’m going with that for now) German Shepherd to be my watchdog and make me feel safe. And I need my Ernie, all fat and lumpy, to cuddle with on the couch and make me laugh. Needy me.
5. I’ve been trying to look for a job. That conjures up numerous issues of neediness. Needy me.
So this list just touches upon my needy issues of the month. And there have been a lot. And I have been looking all over for my own to feet so I can stand on them again….if you find them let me know, okay?
How about you? What makes you needy in your life right now?
As many of you know from reading my blog, I stopped drinking Diet Coke cold turkey for Lent. I am still not drinking it. I have no desire. That was a big bad habit and during that “withdrawl” period boy was I needy. I learned to turn over my needs to God, to trust in him to see me through that tough period of my life. How I wish I had done that so many times before in my life, but didn’t.
Perhaps I’d be a different person today if I had trusted him with my needs a lot earlier in my life.
On Facebook when I was telling the world about my neediness in the parenting department, a good friend commented and told me to give it to Him, to let go and let God. I’ve heard that phrase so many times in my life. I’ve been on this church trip my whole life, sometimes on vacation, sometimes in the car. Heard that phrase A LOT!!! But for some reason this time the phrase, “Let Go and Let God” really meant something to me. And going to church these past two weeks just confirmed that for me. I need to need God. I need to let God take my needs and I need to trust him that all will be well.
At church we’ve been singing a lot of great music lately. This song by Paul Baloche is one that really makes me feel the need to cry (every time we sing it, I cry), the need to change and the need to strive to be a less “Needy Cyndi” and more “Graceful Cyndi” …
So I leave you with this song….find a tissue, you’ll need it if you are “needy” like me right now!
To The Cross
Where can I go
But to the cross to the cross
For there my shame
You have washed away
Where can I go
But to the cross to the cross
For there You gave
Up Your life for me
You gave Your life for me
You stretched Your arms out wide
I lift my hands up high to my Savior
You stretched Your arms out wide
I lift my hands up high to my Savior
So Lord I run
To the cross to the cross
Surrender all to my Savior King
Be my everything
Chains are broken
Shame has fallen
All my sins are gone
And here is another great “Heroes of Faith” video for you…this one is all about Elijah with Pastor Ryan doing a fantastic job in portraying the “impossibleness” of God…
I’m about to end my 40 Days of Fasting & Prayer, an effort of my church to bring us closer to the “impossibleness” of God. So I decided that since the 40 Days of life without Diet Coke has been an experience of overcoming something I thought I never could, I would share.
No, I’m not going to grab a diet coke and say “Cheers!” if that is what you thought…
No, I’m going to share just how the “impossibleness” of God has seen me through these (almost) 40 Days.
You must understand my history with Diet Coke. Yes, we have a history here folks! Me and Diet Coke? We go way back…
I actually remember vividly the first time I had a Diet Coke (how pathetic is that?). We were in Haddonfield, NJ for Thanksgiving at my Aunt Pat’s house. And my Uncle Bob had some of this new stuff they called Diet Coke, a beverage the Coca Cola company had introduced in the hopes of conquoring the Diet soda industry. And it did. Cause I got hooked.
I know a lot of people who would drink diet sodas for the “diet” reason. Not me. Coke is too sweet. I just liked knowing I could have a soda and it wouldn’t be like drinking sugar. And then slowly but surely I preferred having a Diet Coke to drinking water. Or anything else. In fact, I would rather have a Diet Coke than a cocktail or wine. And a Diet Coke with Lime flavor? Well that just made me even more addicted.
I didn’t even give it up when I was pregnant. Yep, I admit it. I had a diet coke a day with each pregnancy. Sometimes more if I was having that thing called morning sickness which for me was 24-hours a day sickness.
Like the smoker whose fingers feel empty without a cigarette, I felt a sense of emptiness and thirst that couldn’t be quenched by anything but a Diet Coke. Just as we must run to the store if we are out of milk, an empty 12 pack box of Diet Coke would send me into a state of panic rushing to the store to replenish my stash.
As our church began talking about the 40 Days of Fasting & Prayer I reluctantly chose Diet Coke. It was my impossible thing. It was my unhealthy habit. It was my chance to see if God could do the impossible in my life. And he did.
We drove to Florida and back with many chances to cheat or sneak a Diet Coke. I could have had some. But I didn’t.
I spent time with friends who had Diet Coke in their fridge and even drank it in front of me (yes, that would be you Heidi!) tempting me with each sip. I could have had some. But I didn’t.
I would go to McDonalds with the boys and go to the self serve soda fountain to get their lemonade and see the Diet Coke waiting there for me. I could have had some. But I didn’t.
The first week or so I had a terrible headache. I was a cranky woman. I could have had some. But I didn’t.
I could have had a Diet Coke so many times this Lent but I didn’t. And that, my friends, is God doing the impossible. I sit here now writing this post with a glass of seltzer water. I like it. I have learned that I don’t need Diet Coke. I feel healthier. I sleep better. I am less cranky. I am happier without it in my glass or in a can in my hand.
The theme of the 40 Days of Fasting & Prayer at my church was “Heroes of Faith.” We were given a really great devotional guide and each Sunday a chance to see a hero from the Bible come to life. Literally. The Pastors acted out the story of the heroes of the bible we were studying.
Last Sunday the hero was Gideon. On the way to church I asked my mother (who knows everything about the bible, she’ll tell you as much) who Gideon was. She couldn’t remember. So we all got up to speed on the heroism of Gideon last Sunday. I learned that when God called Gideon to act, it would have been so easy to run, but he didn’t. Instead he chose to face what truly was an impossible task that God asked of him. He could have ignored God, continued on being the poor farmer he was and discount his encounter with God. But he didn’t. But he didn’t.
Gideon’s story teaches us so much. It teaches us that with God we can do those things we think are impossible and those things everyone else tells us are impossible.
What is your “But I Didn’t?”
If you want to learn more about Gideon as I did last Sunday, here you go, check it out:
And if you want to get a copy of the “Heroes of Faith” devotional, go here and download it (you’ll see the ‘Download the Devotional’ icon):
And here’s a little present for your Easter Basket…a commercial use overlay–please don’t share the link, send friends here to download, okay? And leave a comment! I read them
My oldest son turns 5 tomorrow. Wow. Did I just type that? Can this be real? That little baby is 5 years old?
Let me take a second……
Okay, I’m back. Turning 5. Bittersweet for me, something he is very anxious to celebrate.
If you have read earlier blog posts here you will know that I went through years of infertility treatments in trying to conceive a child. Lots of tears shed during that time, both for me and for the babies I lost. And the babies that just weren’t “sticking.” At least 5 solid years of my life was spent in the throws of futile attempts to have a child.
And I lost faith.
I lost hope.
My marriage suffered.
Every time I saw a woman with a baby I’d ask God, “Why not me?”
Why not me?
After draining our financial resources and facing failure after failure after failure to have children, we gave up. But now, five years later I cannot say we gave up. I let go. Letting go is really hard for me to do in most aspects of my life.
Letting go is not the same as giving up.
I hold on to anger. Gotta let it go.
I hold on to sadness and live in it sometimes way too long. Gotta let go.
I hold on to resentment. Gotta let it go.
I hold on to forgiveness, not wanting to share it. Gotta let it go.
During that time in my life I let go of God. I had suffered so many devestating losses and faced so many defeats in trying to have a child, it was not hard to do. But God didn’t let go of me. I have living proof–two beautiful, amazing little boys.
God didn’t let go of me.
So as my son, Sam, turns five tomorrow I have a lot to be thankful. And yet still a lot to let go:
I think I finally need to toss the few baby bottles still in the cupboard. Yes, I still have those. I like seeing them because at one point in my life I never thought I would. Gotta let go.
I need to stop saving every single thing my boys draw or find for me. I have a nice rock collection, most come from neighbors’ gardens or driveways, but each little rock they’ve put in my hand and said “This is for you, Mommy!” is precious to me. But I’ve got quite a big collection building on my kitchen windowsill. Along with sticks, pine cones, etc. Gotta let go.
That binky in my nightstand drawer? Gotta let go.
I need to let my “just about 5 year old” (one more day of 4 and I’m holding on to it tightly until midnight) turn five. I know I can’t stop it. The clock will tick and tock and move to midnight tonight and I have no control of that. He will be five. I need to let go of “4″ and embrace “5″ with him, celebrate all the milestones 5 will bring:
Learning to tie his shoes.
Learning to finally ride a bike.
Learning to read, although he has started that already.
Going to Kindergarten. Let me just warn you I’m going to completely become a crazy, emotional woman when that happens. I already tear up thinking about the Kindergarten orientation we are going to on Monday night.
Meeting new friends after 3 years in a safe Christian preschool where we know all the kids and I’m friends with the other Mom’s. He is entering Kindergarten knowing not one child in his class because I took him to a good, Christian preschool in the next town.
No more tubbies. This boy has already started favoring showers over tubbies.
Turning 5 means him embracing so many new, exciting things. I need to let go and enjoy the process.
But for just one more day, I’m going to enjoy 4.
And remember what “0″ felt like….
And to further celebrate Sam turning five tomorrow, here is a little party favor for you….a set of three elements that I made to go with my collab kit with Nibbles Sckribbles, “Cock-a-Doodle MOOOO!”
